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A hairless, green scaled man raises his clenched fist to the sky and screams out his challenge to the heavens, "The human race belongs TO ME!" The clear night skies quickly cloud over and send down lightning and thunder in answer to his proclamation. "Owwie," he whines as he nurses his scorched hand.
A young girl with long braided purple hair and wearing a fuku is battling a large demonic creature. She raises her scepter high over her head. The scepter glows a pale blue. For a moment, nothing happens. Then all the loose metal, as far as the eye can see, rises up and flies towards her opponent. She screams "Metal Wave!" as the shrapnel strikes the monster.
A twelve year old boy with spiky brown hair looks warily at the miniature wingless dragon hovering before him. "Maybe I should get my dad for this. He's a great fighter. Hell, my baby brother is a better fighter than I am."
The dragon cocks his head at the boy and intones in a deep voice that resonates throughout the room, "Your father did not awaken me. Your baby brother did not awaken me. You awakened me. Therefor you are the one." The dragon softens somewhat, "My name is Chi-Lung. I am to be your mentor... your guide."
The kid tries one last time to weasel out, "But why me?"
The dragon hovers there, unmoved. "Because there is no one else who can."
The boy lowers his head in resignation. "I was deeply afraid you would say that."
The girl looks down from her vantage point over the warehouse. She turns back to Chi-Lung and says in a low voice, "These are the guys you want me to fight this time?"
Chi-Lung nods in affirmation, "The news box said that they were a great scourge on this planet, and I have seen signs of our enemies manipulations in their illicit business."
The sailor-suited warrior of justice looks over the nefarious villains and looks back to her mentor. "Yeah but... SOFTWARE PIRATES," she hisses.
"Hush! Keep it down!" the dragon hisses back, "Yes, software pirates. Each of these illegally copied programs costs the real owners money, forcing them to raise their prices to obscene levels. Have you seen how much a good graphics programs costs? My god. In my day you could outfit a small army with that kind of money. Besides, it will be good practice."
"Hmph. Personally I think the software companies are overstating the issue, trying to justify their ludicrous prices. If it was as prevalent as they claim it is, I wouldn't own a single program legally. Besides... there SOFTWARE PIRATES. I thought I was suppose to be fighting inhuman evil, not all too human corruption."
"Look, just get down there and kick ass, all right? They're knocking off the latest Barney game and you know how much I hate that purple turd."
"BASTARDS MUST DIE!" she screams as she leaps down into the fray. "Bad enough we Japanese have to deal with 'Hello Kitty', how DARE you import the modern incarnation of pre-historic evil to our shores!"
"I'm up for that!" the boy enthuses.
Chi slowly shakes his head, "That's platonic love, like mutual respect and all that. No nookie for you, you're too young."
The boy starts swearing softly in Japanese, switches to Mandarin, then French, but French is a sissy language for swearing so he finally settles for Russian.
"Just hold the scepter and concentrate on the metal. It is a force that surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the world together," Chi-Long instructs his charge.
She nods her head and closed her eyes in concentration. For a moment nothing happens, then the computer in the corner starts throwing off sparks. "DAMN, MY H COLLECTION!!" She rushed over and assessed the damage weeping, "Kusanagi, Misato, Rei, Tifa, ALL GONE!" She turns and notices a stack of disks, untouched by the calamity. "Whew, I'm glad I saved the really cool stuff on CD-ROM."
She turns to look directly into the camera. "Always back-up your important pornography (and other miscellaneous files) on Macroshaft's writeable CD-ROMs. They're an optic medium, so they're immune to electrical or magnetic fluctuations and won't degrade the same way a floppy will. Remember, Macroshaft, for when your files are too cool to loose."
Chi also looks to the camera and nods sagely, "That's good advice...I think."
"If our lives were a story, our author probably tried to write a Street Fighter/X-Files crossover first." the boy mutters to Chi.
"Things do look grim, I agree, but I don't think they're quite that bad."
Eight minor demons who look supicisly like puddys, choose that moment to materialize in an appropriately sinis...aw hell with it, they're puddys, they can't do anything sinister. They just appear and wave their hands around and get their clay asses kicked.
"See things are looking up," Chi comments as he looks over the opposition, "I've never seen these things do anything correctly."
Acting on some unknown signal the puddys strip their disguised off, revealing scaled horrors like the one in the second scene, except much bigger and uglier.
"'Things are looking up.' Chi, what did I tell you about Mr. Murphy's Laws? DON'T EVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE 'THINGS ARE LOOKING UP'! IT BEGS THE GODS TO GIVE YOU MORE TROUBLE!"
"Sailor Moon gets a cat. I get a flying iguana."
"I am not an iguana. I am a dragon."
"Pretty Deadly got a cool buzzard. I get a senile iguana with a helium imbalance."
"Wow, that girl's stack... no wait that's... A MIRROR! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Meteorite Magnetic POWER!"
The above scenes may not actually be in the finished fanfic.
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